Respecting Boundaries: A Sexologist’s Perspective on Healthy Relationships

By Erin Alexander.

I met “Mara and Alex” on a rainy Tuesday. They arrived together, coats still damp, sitting not quite touching. When I asked what brought them in, Mara exhaled like she had been holding her breath for months.“He means well,” she said, “but he is in everything. My texts. My calendar. My head.”Alex stared at the rug. “If I do not ask, I feel shut out. If I ask, I feel needy.”

Most couples do not come in because of grand betrayals. They come because of a thousand tiny trespasses. Doors left open that someone hoped would be closed. Doors pushed open that someone hoped would stay shut. Boundaries are not walls; they are invitations. And every invitation has an RSVP.

The question under the question

“How intrusive are you?” is not an accusation. It is a mirror. Do you wait to be invited into the personal, emotional, social, and digital spaces of others? Or do you slide in quickly to soothe your own anxiety and call it closeness?

That difference shapes trust. Waiting for an invitation honors autonomy and makes room for desire to breathe. Inserting yourself gives fast relief to worry, and then slowly starves the relationship of oxygen.

What boundary intrusions look like in real life

• Personal space. You squeeze a shoulder that is already inching away. You walk into a partner’s office after they said they need an hour. You open a drawer that is not yours “just to tidy.”

• Emotional space. A loved one vents about work and you reach for solutions before you reach for them. You press for details they are not ready to share. You correct a feeling because it does not match your own.

• Social space. You answer questions for your partner at dinner. You accept invitations on their behalf. You steer conversations back to your stories, again and again.

• Digital space. You check their phone, email, or DMs without a conversation or consent. You frame it as safety, and your body knows it is fear.

None of these require malice. They do not even require awareness. That is why they spread.

Why it erodes love

Boundary crossings chip away at three pillars: safety, respect, and clarity. Safety says, “I am not at risk with you.” Respect says, “I am still me with you.” Clarity says, “I know where I end and you begin.” Remove those and your partner will start to shrink or to fight. You lose the easy humor, the unforced touch, the spark of voluntary sharing. Intrusion buys you proximity and sells off intimacy.

If intrusion is anxiety in motion

When someone pushes past a boundary, there is often a nervous part of them asking for reassurance:

• Am I still chosen?

• Am I about to be abandoned?

• If I do not check, will I be blindsided?

Naming the motive calms the behavior. You cannot negotiate a boundary with a fear you will not name.

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Practices that change the pattern

1) The three-beat pause

Before you step in, run this loop: Notice. Ask. Wait.

• Notice: “I want to look at their screen. My chest is tight.”

• Ask: “Is now a good time to talk?” “Would you like help or a hug?” “Can I come in?”

• Wait: Count to ten in your head. Let their yes or no land. Do not argue with it.

2) Permission scripts that sound human

• “I am curious about how you are doing. Do you have space to share, or should we check in later?”

• “I would love to help. Do you want suggestions or just my company?”

• “I found myself wanting to read your messages to feel calmer. I am not going to do that. Can we set up a time to talk about what would help both of us feel steady?”

3) Listening that does not fix

Mirror back one feeling and one fact. Stop.

• “You felt cornered in the meeting, and you kept your cool.”

• “You are overwhelmed, and you want today to be quiet.”If they want advice, they will ask. If they do not, you already did the most important part.

4) Digital agreements with teeth

Have a conversation, not a silent policy. Decide what is private, what is shared, and what is shared only with a request. Write it down if that helps. Privacy inside a relationship is not secrecy; it is room to breathe.

5) Build a self that does not need to overreach

Invest in what is yours: friendships, rituals, a body that moves, work that matters, hobbies that absorb your attention. The stronger your sense of self, the less you will reach for control in someone else’s life to steady your own.

6) Tolerate the clean ache

Sometimes a partner needs space. That space will ache. Let it. Take three slow breaths, name the feeling, place a hand on your own chest, and remind your body, “I am okay, and we are okay.” Mature love survives unanswered messages and quiet evenings.

If your boundary was crossed

Name it early and specifically.

• “When you read my messages, I felt exposed and small. I need my phone to be private. If you feel anxious, tell me. We can decide together how to handle it.”Hold the line calmly. Repeat your boundary once. If it is crossed again, act in line with your words: log out, change a password, leave the room, pause the conversation, take a day. Consequences are not punishments; they are boundaries in motion.

If you crossed a boundary

Repair is a skill, not a performance.

• Say what you did: “I opened your journal.”

• Say the impact: “That likely felt like a violation.”

• Take ownership: “I did that to calm my fear. That is on me.”

• State the boundary you will honor: “Your journal is yours. I will not touch it.”

• Offer a next step: “What would help you feel safe again? I am willing to follow your lead.”

Then do the boring work of keeping your word. Trust is built in dull, repetitive ways.

A quick gut-check for everyday life

• Did I ask?

• Did I wait for the answer?

• Did I respect the answer?

• If I am restless, can I soothe myself without recruiting their privacy?

Mara and Alex did not become different people. They practiced tiny things: a knock before entry, a “help or hug?” at the end of a hard day, a shared calendar with clear edges, phones that stayed phones and did not become battlegrounds. They learned that intimacy is not made by erasing distance. It is made by honoring distance until the other person chooses to cross it.

Healthy relationships are built where two full people meet, not where one person spreads into all the corners. Respecting boundaries is not coldness. It is an active form of care. It says, I will not take what you have not offered. I will be brave enough to ask, patient enough to wait, and grounded enough to hear no.

That is how love keeps its shape. That is how it keeps its heat.