When Love Means "You Do You" – The Secret Power of Differentiation
- Erin Alexander
- Aug 12
- 4 min read
By Erin Alexander
I remember one couple vividly. Let’s call them Jess and Tyler, mostly because those aren’t their real names, and partly because they remind me of characters from some cheesy Netflix rom-com. Tyler, with his military crew cut and a look that screamed, "I could survive two weeks in the woods with nothing but duct tape," and Jess, who radiated a chill yet slightly anxious energy of someone perpetually checking to see if they left the oven on.
They came into my office looking exhausted, like parents of triplets who’d just finished a cross-country flight, except they had no kids and their journey was internal. Their issue? Not sex. No, they assured me sex wasn’t the main thing. “We’re just not connecting,” Jess sighed. Tyler nodded vigorously, a man of few words but emphatic gestures.
This was my cue: it was time to introduce Differentiation.
Now, differentiation might sound like something from your high-school biology textbook, where cells decide they're going to be livers or brains. But in relationship terms, it's about keeping your individuality intact even as you get close, like peanut butter and jelly hanging out on the same sandwich without losing their distinct deliciousness.
“You see,” I began... “relationships often swing between two poles, attachment, that cozy, fuzzy feeling of being loved and belonging, and autonomy, that fierce, confident feeling of ‘I got this; you do you.’”
Tyler’s eyebrows knitted together. Jess tilted her head, intrigued. I continued, “Differentiation is like the sweet spot between those two extremes, knowing who you are, embracing your quirks, but still feeling deeply connected to your partner. Think Beyoncé and Jay-Z. She’s Queen Bey. He’s Hov. Together, they’re unstoppable, but each has their individual empire.”
Tyler, who until this point was quietly pretending not to be amused by my Beyoncé metaphor, finally cracked a smile. Success.
With couples like Jess and Tyler, differentiation was especially important because military life created an added layer of complexity. Tyler’s identity as a soldier meant he was often in environments that demanded uniformity, conformity, and structure. On the other hand, Jess was navigating her own civilian identity, working to find a balance between supporting Tyler and maintaining her personal and professional growth.
They had drifted into something therapists ominously call "enmeshment," which sounds a bit like a horror movie title but is really just relationship speak for “we’ve completely lost track of who we are individually.” Their weekends had become an endless loop of binge-watching whatever Jess picked, Tyler silently scrolling through his phone, and neither one feeling particularly happy or fulfilled.
One session, after Tyler described his week as "a blur of drills, early mornings, and stress," Jess confessed she felt selfish for wanting "me-time" when Tyler was home. Tyler looked shocked. “You mean you want space, too?” he asked, surprised.
“Absolutely,” she laughed. “I love you, but I also love my alone time. And my pottery class. And wine nights with the girls.” Tyler's eyes widened with genuine realization, and I swear, in that moment, differentiation clicked.
We started building practical strategies. Jess would pursue pottery. Tyler rediscovered his passion for rock climbing. The more they leaned into their individual interests, the richer their relationship became. Tyler came home exhilarated from climbing, eager to share adventures. Jess, covered in clay and beaming after her pottery sessions, was lighter, more relaxed. Suddenly, their Netflix binges were filled with laughter, banter, and genuine interest rather than passive obligation.
But differentiation isn’t always easy. It's not about going solo; it’s about knowing you can stand alone, but choosing to stand together anyway. One weekend, Tyler had an intense training session coming up. Jess's pottery showcase was scheduled for the same night. The old script would have Jess feeling guilty for going, and Tyler secretly resenting her for leaving him stressed. Instead, differentiation stepped in, and they talked it through openly.
Tyler encouraged Jess to go. Jess supported Tyler by prepping meals and leaving him notes of encouragement around the house. Each of them navigated their individual paths but still felt deeply bonded by mutual support and understanding.
“It's weird,” Tyler admitted in one of our later sessions, “the more space we’ve created, the closer we've actually become.” They had discovered the beautiful paradox of differentiation: the stronger the sense of self, the stronger the bond as a couple.
This approach isn't limited to couples navigating military life; differentiation is a relationship superpower anyone can use. We often grow up with patterns of attachment that shape how we connect, whether securely, anxiously, avoidantly, or fearfully. Differentiation helps us break free from unhealthy patterns, allowing us to be ourselves without fear of rejection or loss of intimacy.
Think about it: how many of us have felt trapped by the need to constantly reassure a partner (hello, anxious attachment) or pushed someone away because intimacy felt overwhelming (looking at you, dismissive avoidants)? Differentiation invites us to pause, breathe, and embrace who we are, quirks and all, trusting that genuine connection doesn’t require giving up individuality.
For Jess and Tyler, differentiation was their secret sauce. As their therapist, witnessing their transformation was like watching an emotional rom-com unfold right in front of me, minus the clichés and with far fewer tears.
Now, differentiation won’t solve every problem overnight, relationships remain complicated, messy, and beautifully human, but it sets the stage for genuine intimacy. It allows couples to be "big and together," as I like to say, each partner standing strong individually yet lovingly connected.
So next time you feel your relationship slipping into autopilot, ask yourself: “Am I showing up as my full self, or just blending into the background?” Differentiation says you can be both fiercely yourself and fiercely together. And really, isn't that the relationship goal we’re all secretly after?
Go ahead, give it a shot. I promise, you won’t regret letting your peanut butter be peanut butter, your jelly be jelly, and your relationship, perfectly delicious.
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