Swiping with Intention: A Sexologist’s Notes on Love Online
- Erin Alexander
- Jun 17
- 4 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
Let me be clear: I didn’t join dating apps to chase dopamine hits or play swipe roulette. I was genuinely curious. Curious about how people meet these days, how connection is filtered through screens, and what happens when desire becomes data.
At first glance, the dating app world is dazzling: endless options, curated profiles, witty bios, and the promise that your next match might just be the one. And I won’t lie, some of my early experiences were promising. A jazz guitarist sent me playlists tailored to my moods. A pastry chef asked for my favorite fruit so he could bake something "inspired." Conversations sparked. Shared interests emerged. I remember thinking: this isn’t so bad.
But like many things in life, the sheen wore off quickly. Conversations fizzled mid-sentence. Profile pictures didn’t always match reality (and I’m not just talking about angles, we’re talking decades). And then there’s the fatigue of swiping through bios that say either too little or too much, usually with the phrase "just ask" somewhere in there, as if dating were an impromptu game show.
I realized, through all this, that online dating has a rhythm. You begin with curiosity. You cycle through hope, boredom, amusement, and the occasional forehead slap. And through it all, you start to notice patterns, not just in others, but in yourself.
As a sexologist, I work with individuals and couples who want more out of their relationships: more clarity, more joy, more intimacy. So I decided to apply the same lens to my experience with dating apps. What works? What doesn’t? And how can we navigate this labyrinth without losing our sense of self?
The first step? Your profile.
Authenticity is everything. Be clear about your intentions, even if they’re still forming. A profile that says, "Seeing what's out there" is like putting a blank book on a shelf and hoping someone reads it. Include specific interests: Do you love hiking? Say where. Obsessed with sci-fi? Name a favorite film. And please, for everyone's sake, include recent photos. Ideally, three: a headshot, a full-body shot, and one where you're doing something you enjoy (that doesn’t involve holding a fish unless you’re a marine biologist).
And here’s something often overlooked: get someone else to take at least one photo. Selfies are fine, but a shot from a friend can capture the version of you that feels most alive.
Then comes the messaging phase, where good intentions go to die. This is where things get weird, lazy, or just plain confusing. Guys, listen: if your opener is "Hey," you’re not sparking curiosity, you’re joining a chorus of 127 other men who sent the exact same message that morning.
So why don’t we talk a bit about what doesn’t work. Messages like "Hey," "How you doin'," or the timeless classic "What do you do for a living?" are the conversational equivalent of cardboard. Dry, bland, and likely to be recycled. One guy once opened with, "So, you like stuff?" I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or send him a Wikipedia link on how conversations work. Another went straight for, "What are you looking for on here?", which felt more like a job interview than a flirtation. If your first message sounds like a form you fill out at the DMV, it’s time to rethink. Your opener needs to spark a smile, a laugh, or at least make her pause and think, "Okay, that was different."
If you're looking to actually connect, here's a secret: read their profile. Not skim. Read. Then ask something specific. If they say they like horror movies, don't just go "Nice." Ask: "Okay but are we talking classic Carpenter or elevated A24 vibes?" It's not about being clever, it's about giving them something to respond to that doesn't feel like a job interview.
The goal isn’t to be Shakespeare. The goal is to sound like a human being who noticed something and gave a damn. Low bar. High reward.
One of my favorite messages I received said, "You seem like someone who brings her own hot sauce to brunch." Accurate. And memorable.
Now let’s talk logistics. When you feel ready to meet in person, choose a public place. Coffee shops, bookstores, museums, anywhere that allows for easy exits and a low-pressure atmosphere. Tell a friend your plans. And go easy on the wine or cocktails. I know it can feel like social lubricant, but staying clear-headed gives you the best read on how you actually feel in their presence.
Boundaries aren’t buzzkills, they’re lifelines. I’ve had clients who stayed in uncomfortable conversations far too long because they didn’t want to seem rude. Trust your instincts. You can end a date or conversation at any time. No explanation needed.
And finally, manage your expectations. Online dating is a tool, not a guarantee. It can be an incredible way to meet people, but it’s not the only way. If a conversation dies or a date flops, it’s not a failure. It’s information.
Every interaction tells you something about what you want, what you need, and what you're not willing to compromise on.
So, do I still use dating apps? Occasionally. But I use them like I do my blender: intentionally, and not every day. Because connection, real, mutual, grounded connection, takes more than a good profile and clever banter.
It takes presence. Effort. And yes, a little luck.
To those navigating this digital terrain: take breaks when you need to. Laugh often. Swipe with discernment. And remember, the goal isn’t just to be chosen, it’s to choose, fully and consciously, what feels good for you.
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