15 Unspoken Sex Rules Every Human Should Probably Know By Now

There are two types of people in this world: those who learn the rules of sex the easy way, and those who once wiped themselves off with a curtain and got yelled at for it.

If you’ve ever wondered whether there’s some sort of unofficial playbook for not being a total amateur in bed, there kind of is. It’s not written down, but you’ll find bits of it in conversations, shared experiences, and yes, in Reddit threads where people tell stories they probably shouldn’t.

So, let’s do the world a favor and write some of these rules down. You're welcome.

1. Don’t stop what’s working.

If she says “I’m close”, congrats. Now don’t change a damn thing. Don’t go faster. Don’t add flair. Don’t switch to Morse code tongue. Just. Keep. Going.

2. Sound is not a crime.

This goes out to the silent assassins: sex isn’t a funeral. If you're enjoying it, say something, grunt something, breathe at least. No one wants to feel like they’re fucking a scarecrow.

3. Queefs happen. So do farts.

You laugh, you keep going, or you pretend it didn’t happen. What you don’t do is say “Nice one.” This isn’t gym class. Honor the sacred bubble of trust.

4. Rule: Clean-up is teamwork.

Don’t just lie there like a sea cucumber while your partner waddles to the bathroom. Grab a towel. Offer wipes. Say something like “I gotchu, baby.”

5. If you just had buffalo wings, maybe don’t go down on anyone.

It’s called aftercare for your tongue. Brush it. Rinse it. Apologize in advance if needed. Spicy cunnilingus is not everyone’s kink.

6. Choking isn’t improv.

If you’re into breath play, good for you. But choking without knowing how to not kill someone is like playing surgeon with a butter knife. Learn the basics. Use a safe word. Respect it like it’s the law.

7. Ask before the ass.

Anal isn’t a surprise party. No one likes a stealth move. Talk about it first. Use lube. Go slow.

8. The asparagus rule.

If you wouldn’t want to smell it in your own pee, don’t feed it to your date before oral. It’s science. It's courtesy. It’s literally in your control.

9. Consent isn’t a one-time thing.

Just because they said yes to sex doesn’t mean they said yes to everything. Consent is like Google Maps: you check in often and re-route if needed.

10. Silence = confusion, not consent.

“Are you okay?” isn’t a buzzkill. It’s basic decency. And “Do you like this?” is both hot and helpful. Think of sex as co-op mode: you’re both trying to win here.

11. Don’t be weird about noise.

Moans are not Yelp reviews. Don’t analyze them mid-stroke. If someone lets go and sounds like a haunted violin, bless them. That’s called trust.

12. STIs: Speak up, even if they don’t ask.

If you know something, say something. Your mouth isn’t just for oral. It’s also for not being a dick.

13. Don’t. Wipe. Your Dick. On. The Curtains.

There are animals with better hygiene instincts. Be better.

14. If you're at your grandma’s house, lock the damn door.

Sex at nana’s might be hot in theory. In practice? Getting caught mid-thrust while she’s bringing you fresh towels is trauma you don’t need.

15. Not everything needs to lead to penetration.

Hands, mouths, toys, grinding, there’s a whole menu out there. If all you’re aiming for is a race to P-in-V, you’re missing the fun.

Most of this isn’t rocket science. But you'd be surprised how many people still fuck like they’re the only one in the room. If you want it to be good, try acting like someone else is there too, and that they matter.